How did you start? Day one, what happened? Can you please tell/help me? I just want to wake up one day and not spend hours of my day with my head in the toilet. Anyone?

my scale is telling me that a day of purging and laxatives can drop me three pounds. i don’t have a life, but at least I’m effective….? stay away. 

(via findingthebeautyofit)

my 23rd birthday is on June 16th. if you look at the actual URL of my webpage its words of 22. I started it on my birthday last year proclaiming it would be my last year with an eating disorder. Now, I’m worse than ever, and scared shitless. I am the culmination of the last decade of my disordered eating. cheers. 

i deleted my food board and unfollowed all food boards on pinterest tonight. not sure what this means. i just felt like it was toxic. i joking, called it food porn, but really… thats what it was becoming. lustful and gluttony. 

i feel like I’m trapped in this cycle of purging. today, 5 episodes and i can’t even imagine how many actual heaves i had. everything hurts. i know I’m dying. but i can’t stop this. 

i need help, but even a therapist couldn’t help me. do i need to go somewhere? i feel like they would just fatten me up, and its easy to get well in those places i feel like. you are sheltered. the problems i deal with are when a friend calls and wants to have coffee and i must throw up everything before i call her back. i must avoid dinners, i must avoid weekend trips. i must avoid. hide. 

i feel somewhat like i want to die. no, not suicidal, but i would like to wake up in a world where i wasn’t like this. I’m just sad. and pathetic. 

im fucked. 

its not even about anything. i just the feeling of eating and throwing up. god what is wrong with me

fitandhealthyforlifee:

johnnydeppscock:

PRAISE THE LAWD. 

(Source: bitchsuckmy12inch)

(Source: steamthings)

omg where can i get this jumper!? 

(Source: shesbombb, via findingthebeautyofit)

seriously, all I’ve been looking for is a good jean shirt to wear with my white jeans. Does not exist in texas. 

(Source: fuckyeahfashionjunkie, via theamericanlegacy)

(via theamericanlegacy)

(Source: allthatglittersis-gold, via hiatusmind)

(via mainstreetnocturne)

a few months ago I made a decision to be one of those blogs that doesn’t write here like its my journal. i recently have changed that idea. I’m sitting, currently, on my balcony.. which sadly faces the parking lot… but never the less, I’m watching the sun rise. I woke up at 5:50am by my body due to the laxatives that i took yesterday afternoon. They produced. I’m currently at a lower weight than i would expect. 

I am at a loss, for anyone who actually reads this, and keeps up, i went to  a therapist last week for the first time. I thought she was going to say, “you’re in a good spot, you want to get better, so here is how we do it.” i did not expect her to tell me it would be easy or fast. I did however, expect to be emotional, yet beginning the journey or eating disorder recovery. That, is not what happened. She basically said, you start recovering and ill help you would through the rest, we’ll talk about it… Well, listen, i can talk about it all damn day, however.. i need help actually taking action. i don’t know how to start recovery!! its frustrating. so effing frustrating. i just feel lost and like i have no where left to turn. my friends don’t know how to help me, therapist can’t help me, reading and research can’t help me. am i supposed to be this way forever? 

my throat still hurts from yesterday. geez, it was a day. only 4 times sure, however the amount of food going in and coming out was massive. 

However, the upside to this eating disorder… I’m having a pool party sunday, and i will be in my bathing suit in front of people for the first time in probably 5 years or so. My body looks ravaged, but better than fat. see… thats the issue. i clearly look like a sick person with no muscle, but i don’t care. 

anyway. good morning.